


Now I’m Here

by Living_On_My_Own



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secret Crush, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own
Summary: It’s high school, it’s horrible, they’re not happy, but they’re in love, and life hurts.Freddie is in love like he’s never been in his entire life, but Brian has now a girlfriend and everything just piled on and everyday gets worse. Hopefully, Brian means it when he tells Freddie how important he is to them.
Relationships: Brian May/Chrissie Mullen, Brian May/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 19
Kudos: 16





	1. No Need To Wonder If I Ever Think Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A love that doesn’t go away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that the first chapters of this book are old chapters so it’s normal if they’re quite different at some point even if I went and rewrote some little things!

Freddie's POV:

I always loved his eyes the most. I love how they would shine each time he talks about something he loved. I could stare at his eyes for hours. I often find myself lost in them. It’s not always a good thing when he’s talking to me and I’m not listening to any word he’s saying. He just has beautiful hazel eyes. 

I like every single thing about him. He’s incredibly caring and passionate. I love how he would talk to me about the planets, about the world. He’s always telling me when he finds out about new things and I love that he keeps me so close to him. I also dream to be able to pass my hand through his fluffy and curly bouncy hair. They’re just so perfect. They quite make him look like a poodle, but I love it. I also love how tall he is. It makes me feel safe around him. 

Each time I see him, I keep myself from telling him how I’m feeling. I always had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. Since I met him, he was always there for me when I needed someone and I think that's what made me fall for him. The only persons apart from me that know about that are my best friends, John and Roger. They always want me to tell him, but I can’t. I could ruin our friendship for my stupid feelings. I’m in love with my best friend Brian.

We’re still students, and they’re my only friends. People don’t like me much at school. Maybe it’s because everyone has an idea I’m gay or they just don’t like me. I’m in an art class apart from the boys one period each day and honestly, it feels a little bit lonely. But I would never leave it. I like it way too much. It’s one of my only ways to express myself.

In this school, people aren’t so accepting. I hate it when people are so judgmental about everyone. I never really got accepted except with Brian, Roger and John. I’m grateful for them to be with me. When I arrived at the school, everyone had already done their first year here since I arrived a year later. Everybody knew each other so it was even harder for me to be included. People already didn't want to hang out with me because of how I look. It wasn't easy since I was always insecure about how I look. 

But they were there. They let me get in their little group and we quickly all got along well. John is quite shy from time to time, but as we learned more about each other he became more at ease with me. He didn't have a happy childhood. He told me his dad died of a heart attack when he was 11. He and his sister were raised by their mother alone after the death of their father. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for them. He often tells me how much his dad would have loved me. Even though he’s calm, John is sometimes crazy. He comes up with funny ideas about how to pass the time. I really like both of his sides. 

Roger is a whole something else. He’s quite the exact opposite of John. He’s always hyperactive and he keeps teasing me and joking with me, but when we’re in private he likes to be more calm and sensitive. He’s surprisingly often the one helping me out when I’m not feeling emotionally well. Unfortunately, Roger is someone that gets angry way too easily. I hate it when he goes super mad over nothing. He sometimes become mean with all of us. But we all love him no matter what.

On my side, I’m quite ordinary, but I kinda like it like that. I still have half of my birth name, Freddie Bulsara. I don’t like to be called Farrokh anymore. I’m not ashamed of my past or anything. I just don’t like to talk about it much. What’s in the past stays in the past. My parents don’t even deserve to decide my name. I try to be as joyful and energetic as possible at school. I love to show much more my dramatic and diva side. At home, I’m more shy and insecure. I don’t like much how I look. My father doesn’t like me that much too. I often lock myself in my room and paint. I love music too. I like to listen to Aretha Franklin and also Jimi Hendrix. I admire each of their works a lot. I wishe I could be great songwriters like them. 

I sometimes hate the fact that Brian is so close to me. As we got in the same classes this year we became closer and it makes it harder for me to hide my feelings. He’s helping me out for my homework and we study for our exams together often. Each time his hand touches mine by accident I get butterflies in my stomach. I hate it a lot. He hugs me when I’m not feeling well and I always forbid myself to pull away and kiss him. I’m lucky that he’s not in a relationship, but he likes to go on dates with some girls. Of course, he never went on a date with a man which means I’m out of league. I try to live with it and not show that it’s hurting me. I’m getting pretty bad at hiding it.

"Fred?!" He yells.

I snap out of my thoughts and realize that Brian was trying to talk to me for a while. We’re at the cafeteria for lunchtime. John and Roger are having their conversation beside us and they didn't notice any of what’s happening.

Gosh, I did it again. He looks slightly annoyed, but I ignore it.

"Yes?" I ask casually.

He shakes his head rolling his eyes, but I could see a slight smirk forming on his lips. My God, my heart is beating so fast.

"I was telling you about the new Math teacher. I like him a lot. Did you listen to what I was saying at all?" He laughs lightly and I love it.

"I'm sorry. I like him too! But don't you think he's a bit intense? He looks a bit like a happy child each time he gets to make us learn something new!" I exclaim.

He laughs with me. 

"I think he's just really passionate about his work. I guess that's why I like him so much." He smiles. 

"He reminds me of you for that." I say quietly looking in his eyes.

He doesn’t look uncomfortable as we continue looking in each other's eyes. I wonder what he’s thinking at this exact moment. I want it to never stop as he smiled truthfully. Unfortunately, the ring of the bell cuts us in our "romantic" moment. It was quite romantic for me. Obviously not for him. 

We both get up. We go to put our lunchbox in our lockers and I’m looking forward to the next period until I realize that it’s my art class and that I won’t be able to look at Brian for the next hour. It sounds pretty creepy, but I can’t help myself.

I walk with Brian to his classroom and he engages a light conversation about what we’re studying in science. We’re talking about the universe and it excites him a lot. When we arrive at the door, he walks in the classroom and waves at me silently, but still smiling.

"Have a good class Bri!" I say rather loudly and I blow him a kiss.

He laughs at my gesture, a slight blush on his cheeks because of how much I’m not discrete. and sit at his desk. I was about to go, but as surprising as it is , he blows me a kiss back and I laugh too.

The bell that rings five minutes before the class rings and I begin sprinting toward my own classroom. It’s at the opposite side of the school to Brian's, but I don’t mind. The more I can spend time with him, the happier I am. I arrive exactly in time at my class and I sit down between two students I don’t know much. 

The class begins and my daydreams too. The teacher talks about the new painting method we will be trying and I stare at nothing, thinking about Brian. He’s just stuck in my mind. 

I guess I’m quite good at pretending to listen in class. The teacher doesn’t notice that I don’t know what he’s talking about. I can just ask someone about it from my class later. His pretty face comes in my mind again.

Gosh, I’m in love.


	2. Now I’m Only Left With My Own Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A feeling that’s not familiar

Freddie's POV:

My class ends and I get excited to see Brian again. I get up from my desk first. I say goodbye to my teacher before leaving the classroom. He’s really kind. This teacher also explains everything well, so I like him a lot.

I walk to my locker. I change my books for my history ones. I see Brian talking with Chrissie. She’s a girl from the popular gang. I kind of hate it. They’re the ones bullying the new students, and I know what I’m talking about. Chrissie isn’t doing it, and I’m glad. I would be livid if Brian was hanging out with someone that insulted me for a whole year and that’s doing it again to other people. These kinds of people are in every school. Or almost. It's not like we have something special. There barely is any exception.

I go to my history class alone as I see that Brian wouldn't be going with me. As I walk there, I feel a hand shaking my hair. I turn around and see Roger. He looks like a slutty schoolgirl with his face covered in makeup and his blonde wavy locks. I’m not any better about the makeup, but at least I know how to use it. I need to give this car fucker some advice about that.

"Did you see Bri? He seemed pretty concentrated on a girl." He says with his big blue eyes.

Gosh, Rog.

"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me that he'll neeeeever love me." I say dramatically while rolling my eyes.

He shakes his head smirking. I know what he will tell me: "You need to just go and see him tell him how you feel!". I know him well. But I know Brian well too. He’s definitely into girls. He’s like the exact opposite of gay.

"Fred, if you would have moved your bloody ass earlier, I'm pretty sure he would be yours and you would be his already." Gosh! I almost guessed it!

I don’t answer him. I just sigh heavily and continue to walk down the hallway. I truly believe that Brian is not gay. And even if heis, why would he like me? He hates to be bored and boring people. There's no one less boring than me for fuck's sake! This is all bloody hopeless. I don't know why Roger’s pushing me to do it.

We arrive in the classroom. I don’t exactly know how it happened, but Brian is already at his desk when we arrive, we must be very fucking slow. Unfortunately, that bloody bitch, sorry Bribri, is still talking with him. The bell that indicated that there are five minutes left rings and she runs out. We don’t have the same class as her right now and I’m fucking grateful for that.

Mrs. Fournier tells us to open our books to where we were last class. I sit at the desk in front of Brian's and Roger sits beside me. I’m in the second row of the classroom. I open my exercise book to page 154. There are way too many pages in it. We’re talking about boring things. At the beginning of the year, we talked about the prehistoric period. Now, we’re studying the Revival. It’s one of the classes I hate the most for what we study, but the teacher is hilarious. At least it’s that! She just always fools around and it makes everything just better.

I was listening to her, which is pretty rare, when a paper is thrown at my head. I don’t know who it’s from, but for a moment I think it’s some kind of insult paper where some students just insult me basically. I’m kinda used to it by now. They stopped doing it because new students started arriving at school, but I used to be the person they had in their vision. I open it and I’m surprised to see Brian's handwriting. There is written: "Guess what happened?".

I look behind me and I stare at him with a confused face. He takes another piece of paper from his notebook and begins writing on it. I discreetly take it when he finishes so I won’t get caught by the teacher. On it, he explains that he and Chrissie talked a lot these days and that he asked her on a date today. She accepted, and they're going tonight after our reunion at my house with John and Roger. I fail to put a smile on my face. I answer that it’s great and that I’m happy for him. 

I ask what will be the date. Brian answers that they’ll do a picnic and that they’ll go to a drive-in movie theatre. And if everything ends well, he’ll invite her to sleep at his house. I feel the urge to tell him to not go, to just let me come with him instead. But I need to let him be happy and I’m not the one doing it and I need to respect that as much as it hurts. I will never be the one making him happy.

I can’t listen to the rest of the lesson. I hate it. I hate to know that maybe one day, Brian will come to school hand in hand with some girl. That he’ll come to us and tell us he's in a relationship. A relationship that won’t be mine too. I’ll see them kiss, hold hands, whisper sweet nothings to each other. But if I’m not the one for Brian, then who will be the one for me? I don’t want anyone else. I know I don't only have a crush, I’m in love with him. Completely in love with him.

When the class ends, the day finishes. I follow as the other boys go to their lockers to take their books for our homework. They have to take their science book, but I don’t since they had the class during my art class. I have a few less than them. We go to our lockers on the first floor and we take our backpacks and our coats. I notice Chrissie saying goodbye to Brian, I don't know why, she’ll be seeing him in a few hours only.

"Fred, are you coming?" John asks when I stay still, thinking.

I can’t stop thinking about Brian's date. I don’t want him to go. I want him to myself. And I know it’s selfish, but it’s true.

"Hum, yeah. I'm coming!" I exclaim trying to get out of the million thoughts in my head.

I walk more quickly to join them. We go to my house and I unlock the door. My parents are gone on a vacation, that's why we decided to do our « reunion » at my house. They brought Kashmira with them. We remove our coats and put them on the side of the couch, not caring about wetting it. We take every pillow we can find and we put them on the floor. I take from my room the stash of beer I’m hiding from my parents. I stole it from my dad, but let's not talk about that. I gave them one each. I lay on the couch while drinking my bottle of alcohol that I craved all day. 

"So, Brian, Chrissie?" Roger smirks and I hate him.

I stop looking at them and I stare at the ceiling drinking more and more. I feel like I won’t have enough beer with me. I just want to get drunk right now. I’m starting well to become an alcoholic when I will be older. Well, my life is so shitty I wouldn't be surprised if it ended like that. I hate almost every part of it. My friends are the only element making me happy. Particularly Brian, but he will barely be here for me anymore soon. He’ll have Chrissie to take care of.

"I'm pretty excited to go on our date. But I'm honestly a bit nervous. I just want everything to be perfect." Brian says with a smile and a shaky sigh. 

"You like her a lot don't you?" John smiles shyly.

I hate that they keep bringing it up. I see Brian's cheek turning pink when I turn to look at him. He looks down with a small smile. I look briefly at John and he makes a sad smile. 

I keep my whole face emotionless as I look at them all. I don’t want to be here anyway.

"I like her quite a lot." Brian giggled quietly. 

I forbid myself to let out a sarcastic laugh. I want to scream, cry, I don't know. I just know I don’t like what’s happening. I take a bit from the beer I have in my hand. I don’t want to hear any of that. I don’t want to hear anything about Brian's love for her. I want to disappear, to just leave what’s hurting me the most right now.

"And you Fred? Do you have a crush?" Brian asks me. 

I can’t see him, but I know he’s smiling. I nodd, avoiding any eye contact.

"Do I know her?" He continues to ask.

I close my eyes a few seconds before looking at Roger, then at John. I sigh heavily and look in his big hazel eyes. This man will be the death of me. I sit on the couch and rub my tired eyes after putting my beer on the floor. I need to tell him that at least. He doesn’t even know I don’t like girls! And he’s my best friend. I just hoped he wouldn't be mad at me for waiting so long to tell him.

"I'm gay, Brian." I say quietly.

A smirk forms on his face. He lets out a light little chuckle and I frown. He shakes his head slightly while looking at the floor. I try to find any disgust on his face, anger maybe. I can’t find what he’s thinking about.

"What?" I ask a bit confused and anxious. 

"I knew it!" He laughs and we all join him.

When we’re all calmed down, I look again at his face.

"It-It's not a problem, r-right?" I ask him nervously.

I bite my lip while waiting for his answer. Maybe he doesn’t like it. Maybe he’s ashamed of me. Maybe he won’t want to be friends with me. If he doesn’t now, he will definitely if he learns about my secret crush.

"Of course not Fred. I love you and the person you're in love with doesn't change a thing." He says smiling at me.

He loves me but not the way I want him to. I feel my heart explode when he takes me in his arms. I wrap my arms around his waist tightly and I put my head in his neck, subtly taking his scent in my mind. He pulls away and a drop of disappointment gets through me. We're just friends. I notice Roger smirking at me and I just ignore it.

"So, do I know him?" He asks again laughing a bit.

"Y-Yes, you know him." I answer truthfully.

John and Roger watch our conversation with attention. They’re both smiling from ear to ear. I guess they think something will finally happen between us, but they’re dreaming. 

"I guess it's not Roger or John? Or you're not telling me and you're in love with one of your best friends?" Brian laughs.

I just chuckle with him. I don’t answer. I think John knows I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable because he starts talking about something else with Brian and Roger. I lay back on the couch and take a swig of my beer bottle. And I’m back to my down and dark mood. I wonder if it will ever end.

"Oh shit! I need to go guys!" Brian says looking at his watch.

"I'm gonna be late for my date!" He exclaims.

He gathers all his things. He puts his coat on and takes his backpack. He says bye and leaves. I goto close the door behind him. I look as he walks away quickly. He’s leaving again. I’m still dreaming about the day he will stay. It probably won't ever happen.

"Are you okay?" Roger asks me.

I look at him and smile sadly. I nod my head while I sit on the couch. We talk a bit more. Well, they talk and I listen with one ear. I don’t want to talk. I feel so lazy that I don’t want to open my mouth. Maybe I’m a bit too tired too. 

"Will you be okay if we leave now? John asks.

"Yeah, it's getting late. You should both go now. And you have homework." 

They say bye and leave with their things. I open another beer bottle for myself. Maybe it will make me feel at least a bit numb. But I barely feel any different after a few of them. I only have a headache added to my normal self. I decide to call it a night when I see it’s already 23:27.

I close my eyes in my bed, still thinking of him. He’s probably still with her at this hour. She's probably sleeping in his bed, with him beside her. And I can’t do anything about it. I fall asleep after a few minutes. I’m not looking forward to getting to school the next day.


	3. On Such A Breathless Night A This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nights are harder than others

Freddie's POV:

I wake up in the middle of the night. The moon shines through my window, illuminating my room. I sit on my bed. I know there is no way I’ll fall asleep again. I look at the clock. It indicates 3:42. I sigh heavily before getting out of my bed. I walk downstairs and go to the kitchen. I fill a glass of water and I gulp it down my throat quickly, wanting to get rid of the headache. Unfortunately, my head keeps pounding painfully. I know I shouldn't have drank that much. I’m the one who drank the most, without realizing it.

A feeling of emptiness consumed me. I feel lonely. All alone with only myself as a company. Maybe it’ll stay like that. I don’t stand a chance with Brian. He seemed so excited about his date. Why would he want me? I find my friends lucky. They all have a caring family or at least a parent. Mine are always gone. They leave for weeks sometimes, either for work or their own pleasure. They always make my sister come with them. I don't think I ever did. 

I sit on the couch, wanting to get only drunker. I feel like I’m gonna break. I don’t want to feel like that. I feel so weak. I never want the boys to find out. I would never tell them that sometimes, I just stare at the ceiling, asking myself what I’m doing wrong. That some mornings, I’m not able to get up. That those times I told them I spent having fun in town instead of going to school, I’m spending them in my bed, feeling down about myself and everything. I can sometimes spend hours in front of the mirror, asking myself if there is even only one thing beautiful about me. I often give up at one point when I don’t find anything. And I look at John, Roger and Brian. They all have something on or in themselves that makes them absolutely beautiful. Maybe that's why it take me a while to get friends.

I sometimes feel like I’m too much in that little group. Like I don’t belong. Like they’re better without me. I have to talk to myself sometimes in my head, to tell myself to go and talk to them, even if I know I shouldn't. I feel like I’m dirtying their perfect group. They have good grades, unlike me. They have everything great about themselves, and there is me. I’m nothing. I don’t have good grades. My parents hate me. I’m horrendous. My body is way too lanky. My hair is too puffy. I have too big teeth. My nose is too long. I feel myself getting suffocated sometimes. Suffocated by all the things that are wrong with me. 

But I always shut up. They don’t need to hear me complain about myself. They don’t need to hear anything coming from my mouth. I’m not worth their listening. I don't think they would want to hear my complaints anyway. 

When I’m going to school, I know I need to keep my smile on. The more I act like the dramatic Freddie, the less my true feelings come out, the better it is. So I try to be as extravert and as intense as I can. I dress insanely colourful and weirdly, I love it. When I’m at school, I pretend like all the comments that are thrown at me because of my appearance don’t bother me. That they don’t affect me one bit. But it does hurt.

As I fill myself another glass of water, I feel something furry pass across my leg. I look down to see two shiny eyes looking at me in the dark. I smile slightly seeing my night friend purr against me. I pick Jerry up and give him tons of kisses and hugs. Tom and Jerry are the best cure for sadness. They understand me when nobody else does. I would die if they were taken away from me. My mother gave them to me because she knew I sometimes feel lonely in the house when they’re gone.

"You are feeling cuddly tonight aren't you?" I whisper to my baby.

He rubs his little head against my hand. I hold him as tight as I can. I know it will make him leave, but I just need some love. I notice his brother walking to me. They are all here to make me feel better.

"You want kisses too, Tom?" I ask the cat.

I walk to the living room and sit on the carpet. Both of my babies run to me and sit near me. I stroke their heads and I feel like some feeling of peace gets through me. It makes me think that no matter what, I will always have them with me. Tom sits on my lap and I feel like I’m in heaven. I begin to sing quietly. 

"Love me tender, love me sweet  
Never let me go  
You have made my life complete  
And I love you so

Love me tender, love me true  
All my dreams fulfill  
For, my darling I love you  
And I always will

Love me tender, love me dear  
Tell me you are mine  
I'll be yours through all the years  
'Till the end of time

Love me tender, love me true  
All my dreams fulfill  
For, my darling I love you  
And I always will

Love me tender, love me true  
All my dreams fulfill  
For, my darling I love you  
And I always will  
Always will"

I smile widely when I notice both of the cats have fallen asleep in my arms. I look around me for no reason at all when I see the dresser of the living room. An idea gets through my mind. I put Tom and Jerry on the couch with a blanket on them. I get up and go to open one of the drawers of the dresser. I search for a few seconds and I finally find what I want. They’re my father's cigarettes. 

I pick up one and take the lighter that’s beside them. I walk out of the house by the front door. I light it and take the first puff. I’m quite used to it by now so I don’t cough. The smoke creates an opaque cloud all around me. I put one of my hands in my pant's pocket when I feel a bit of the cold wind get to me. I like to smoke sometimes. I don't think my father ever noticed that I steal him his cigarettes. He buys a lot of them so when I take one, it’s not very obvious. 

Sometimes, John and Roger like to do it with me. But Brian absolutely hated it. When we do it in front of him he complains and does his Mother Brian, telling us we'll get addicted and it’s dangerous for us. Neither of us really listens though. We like to smoke too much to listen. But I like just the thought of him caring that much about me. Well, not just me. I catch myself thinking again about Brian's date. Is it bad I hope he didn't spend a good time?

After a few other minutes, I finish the cigarette. I throw it on the floor and stomp on it with my foot. I get surprised when I see the door was open. I thought I had closed it behind me. I open it and enter the house. This time, I close it behind myself. I walk into the living room. A wave of panic gets through me when I notice there isnt anything under the blanket anymore.

"Tom? Jerry?" I yell nervously.

I begin walking my way into the house, checking every room. The bathroom isempty. My room is empty. My parent's room is empty. The kitchen is empty. Kashmira's room is empty. I check everywhere over and over again. I yell their names in the house countless times. After a few other minutes, my heart starts to wrench. 

I decide to go outside. I do the same. I go to search around every house and I look through the barriers of every backyard I can. It’s too late. My eyelids areheavy with fatigue, but I need to keep searching. I need to find my babies. 

"Jerry! Tom!" I yell again out of desperation.

I can’t believe it’s happening. I’ve gone through so many emotions today. I felt happy this morning talking to Brian, then he told me about his date and I began feeling down. Tom and Jerry made me feel better. I was finally happy and something had to ruin it. I want to understand why it’s all happening to me. All this useless pain that eats me from the inside so often. 

I see the light of someone's house opening. The door opens quickly and I get slightly scared. I see an old man getting out. He looks about 70 years old. He had greying long shoulder-length hair. The man is still wearing his pyjamas bottom, but he’s topless, revealing his slightly chubby tummy. He looks livid.

"Can you lower your voice, there are people trying to sleep!!" He whisper yells. 

"S-Sorry... I'll stop. I was searching for my cats." I whisper looking down.

When I look up, I notice the man's expression changed. It has softened and I can see sympathy in his eyes. 

"You love them a lot don't you?" He asks sadly smiling.

I nod slowly. I go back to looking at the floor. My eyes start getting watery. I love them so much. I can’t believe I’ve lost them both. They’re the ones understanding me the most. I feel lonely at home without them. My heart squeezes horribly at the thought of never seeing them again.

"I know where you live. If I ever see cats walking in the streets I'll tell you okay?" He says gently.

"Thank you." I whisper gratefully.

He nodd smiling. 

"You should go back home now. Get some sleep. I wouldn't want you to fall because you're too tired."

We tell each other goodnight and I walk away not long after. I go back home, feeling more than defeated. I walk through the house a few times, checking again and again if they somewhat are hidden somewhere, but I no longer have much hope. Like every other time, I don’t find anything. It’s uselessly doing this over again and again. I just don’t want to give up. I want to go to bed, both of them in my arms, protecting me from anything.

I go back to the living room and verify that there aren’t any proofs I’ve smoked, but that's not what I care about right now. I’ve managed to lost one of the things that make me the most happy. I’m doing a fucking great job at "pushing away" anybody that at least cares about me. 

I walk to my bedroom. The moon is still shining bright. I remove the jogging and the t-shirt I have on. I still stay in my boxers. I go to my bathroom. I brush my teeth from the awful smell of cigarettes. I absolutely hate it now. I look at my face full of tiredness. I have giant black circles under my eyes. My mascara and eyeliner have smeared all over my face because of the tears I almost let out.

I lay on my bed and put the blankets over my trembling body. A few tears fall on my face. A forbidden loud sob spits out of my mouth. I can’t be at home anymore. I had no reason to be now. I don’t have a home anymore. So I’m left in this empty house, tears still falling down my face and sobs still getting louder, as I curl up in a tighter ball. And now, I can’t breathe anymore.


	4. Did I Live My Life Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s just a relationship... Right?

Brian's POV:

I leave Freddie's house with doubt in my head. I don’t know if I actually want to go on that date. Chrissie is a lovely girl. She makes me feel good and I like to spend time with her a lot. I just don’t know if I like her that way. I don’t know if I want to be with her in a relationship way. I've always been confused with my feelings. Maybe I just like her as a really good friend. 

Deep inside, I know I only like her as a friend. Chrissie told me she liked me. I felt obligated to tell her I like her too. I would have hurt her if I said I don’t like her back and she doesn’t deserve it. Maybe it will make me think of something else. I need to forget Freddie. I’ve known I like Freddie for a long time. I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want anyone to know I fancy men too.

I like all of Freddie's personalities. I love when he is his flamboyant self, that he is overdramatic and very loud. The way he dresses is perfect. He often puts colourful and special clothes. I love when he puts leather pants on, the tightness of it showing perfectly his ass. He sometimes wears platform boots. I prefer when he doesn’t because he’s shorter and I find it absolutely adorable. I often joke about it and he smacks my arms faking offence. 

His shy and reserved personality is something else I love. He often sits just listening to the three of us, not saying a word. He clings to me when we are in a place filled with people and he gets slightly intimated. I feel lucky being the first person he comes to. He blushes each time someone compliments him, making him even cuter if it’s possible. 

Physically, Freddie is a God. His hair is coloured in an intense black. When he doesn’t make them straight, they make perfect curls, not as curly as mine, but even more beautiful. He has deep brown eyes. They’re hard not to stare at. I often find myself lost in them. His defined cheekbone make me crazy. I keep myself often from passing delicately my finger on it. His lips areperfectly plump and I love it. If I start talking about his ass, it would be too long. So, let's just say I'm crazy about that too. No matter how much he hates his teeth, I love them. I love how they poke out of his mouth a bit. I love them because they’re what makes him unique. And I hate when he hides them. I always scowl him when he does.

I’ve kind of figured out for a while that he’s gay. He wears makeup for fuck's sake, which he wear very well. I know it’s not just about makeup. The way he acts is a giveaway too. I wonder if all those times he stared at me, not listening to me is a sign of something. No, I’m too much of a bore. Someone like Freddie wouldn't like me.

I approach my house rather quickly. As much as I don’t want to go to this date, I need to. I need to forget Freddie. He’s the only thing I think about. This is becoming a bit crazy. I unlock the door with my key. I quickly go to my room, hoping my parents won’t notice me. They don’t .

I get changed in more formal clothes. I put a black jean and a decontractred shirt. I take my wallet and the keys to my parent's car. I realize I was so nervous I didn't prepare anything for our romantic dinner. Fuck it the picnic. I walk towards the door quietly praying that my parents still won’t see me leaving.

"Where are you off to Brian?" I hear my dad behind me.

I sigh before turning around and looking at him in defeat. He has one of his eyebrows raised in a questioning way. His arms are crossed over his chest. He’s waiting for an answer. I notice my mother watching too. Oh gosh.

"I- Hum... I'm going on a date. With Chrissie." I say trying to avoid any eye contact with my mom.

She always knew about my crush on Freddie. I hope she can understand. I just can’t keep thinking about him. I need to get together with Chrissie. I need to get her to be my girlfriend. Then I’ll be able to stop thinking about him. It’s better like that.

I look up at her. I notice the sad smile on her lips. She nodd at me. I hate feeling like I’ve disappointed her. I know that she thinks about my crush for Freddie. But I can’t let this come to me. I just can’t . So I say goodbye and leave.

I go to pick Chrissie up. I arrive at her house and knock on the door. I hope it won’t be her parents opening the door for me. I don’t want to see them yet. We aren’t even together yet! The door flies opened and I see Chrissie's cute face.

"Hey!" She says smiling widely at me.

"Hey! I know I said we would do something, I wondered if you didn't want instead to just go take something to eat and find a place to eat it?" I ask her hoping she’ll say yes.

"Of course! Will you let me go take a coat then we can leave?" She asks still smiling with all her teeth. 

Her teeth still aren’t as beautiful and unique as Freddie's. Oh for fuck's sake. I can't keep thinking about him.

"Sure!" I tell her.

She runs back in her house. I see her running up the stairs. She seems so happy. So excited. I need to get myself together. I can’t keep thinking about someone else while we’re together. She’s a woman. She could marry me one day. She could give me a family one day. That's something Freddie could never do. Well, there's still adoption... For god's sake! It’s really killing me.

I snap out of my thought when I realize Chrissie is standing in front of me. She locks the door of the house behind her. I take her hand in mine and she smiles even more widely at me. We walk to a busy street in the city. 

"So, what would you like to eat?" I ask her.

She looks around for a while and then she stops her eyes at an Italian restaurant.

"Do you like pasta?" She grins.

I nod my head. I put my arm around her waist and we walk to the restaurant. A waitress take us to a table in the back of the room. It’s really cute and cosy. I love it already. I wish I could be here with Fred. We sit across each other. We both remove our coats and put them on the back of our chair. I can now see the dark red dress she has put on. It makes her look so perfect.

"You're really beautiful tonight. Not that you aren't every other day, but right now, you're just wow." I smile.

She blushed and whispers a 'thank you'. We look at our menu. I decide to take gnocchi with a tomato sauce and basil. She takes vegetarian spaghetti. We only take water as a beverage. We get the chance to talk while our food is being prepared.

"So, what do you like to do outside of school?" She asks me.

"I really like everything that involves stars. I have a big window in my room, so some night I like to stay safe just to see them. I play electric guitar and a bit of acoustic guitar. I also like to hang out with pretty girls like you." I tell her smirking.

She laughs and looks at me for a few seconds in the eyes. Before anything can happen, a waiter arrives with our plates. He puts them in front of us and an amazing smell gets through my nose. I’m hungry and this meal seems like heaven.

"Bon appetit!" I say with a bad French accent.

She smiles and we start eating. 

After eating our meal and a dessert, we decide to leave. It’s getting late and we have school the next day. I insist on paying for both of us. We get out of the restaurant and the cold hits us. I notice that she’s shivering so I offere her my coat. She takes it gladly and thanks me. Freddie would look incredible with it on. I decide to walk her home.

We walk in a comfortable silence. My arm finds itself around her waist again. I wonder what Freddie is doing at this hour. Maybe he’s already asleep since it’s already 11 pm. I don’t even know why I’m still thinking about him. I’m with Chrissie and I’m happy.

We arrive at her door. She takes her keys out of her bag and unlocks the door. She turns around to face me. I see the smile on her face. Her eyes are shining with happiness. I stand in front of her and take her face in my hands before crashing my lips against hers. I think for a second about Freddie being the one kissing me right now, but I soon forbid myself from thinking about him. Our kiss lasts a few seconds before we pull away. She giggles quietly while looking at me.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I ask her while taking her little hands in mine.

"Of course, Brian." She smiled widely.

I peck her on her lips one last time.

"What about I go pick you up tomorrow morning? At 8?" I ask almost whispering.

She nods slowly. I take her head in my hands and plant my lips on her forehead. She smiles tiredly and I can’t feel more lucky to be her boyfriend. We tell each other good night and she enters her house, closing the door behind herself. I walk away eventually with a smile on my face.

_____

The next morning

I take her hand in mine. We look in each other's eyes for a second and then we walk through the door. A few students turn their head to look at us. We don’t care. We keep walking. At one point, we arrive at the cafeteria. Each morning that's where the boys and I meet to go to class. Today, I’ll be walking proudly to them and I'll be telling them that I have now a girlfriend.

As I see Roger sat with his back facing me, a smile forms on my face. I kiss lightly Chrissie's cheek and she happily giggles. Gosh, her laugh is so cute. I notice John looking at us from the table where they are. He says something to Freddie and Roger. They both look in my direction and I wave at them. Roger waved back, but Freddie just looks back at the work he is doing.

Eventually, I sit beside them while holding Chrissie by her waist.

"So... I guess the date turned out well..." John says with a big smile.

I chuckle and nod. My grip tightens a bit on Chrissie's waist. I want to feel that she is there, sitting right next to me. And she is mine. 

"So, when's the wedding?" Roger cackles.

I roll my eyes before looking at my girlfriend. She has a slight blush on her cheek and it’s adorable. I take her face in my hands and approach our lips slowly. They crash into each other and it feel great. But does it feel good enough? Isn’t there supposed to be butterflies? Fireworks?

"Okay, we don't need to see all of that..." I hear Freddie muttering.

I pull away and look at him. His eyes are still focused on the thing he is doing. I can’t tell what it is, maybe a drawing, or a homework he didn't do yet. He doesn’t lift his eyes away from his sheet.

"Don't worry Brian, he's only being grumpy because he lost his cats." Roger smirks.

I nod silently.

"What happened?" I ask calmly.

"They left." I hear Freddie say quietly.

I watch as his eyes closed slowly. I can feel a bit of his pain radiating off of him. I know he’s sad. I can feel it and I feel bad for him.

"But how did they? It's cold outside, how would they escape if you don't open the door?" I ask.

I know exactly what happened. I just want him to be the one telling me. 

"The door was opened."

"You did it again didn't you Fred? Did you go out to smoke? You know it's not good for you. It's gonna kill you." I say sternly.

He looks up at me. His eyes are now filled with anger. 

"What if I did? You're not the one to tell me what to do. You're not my fucking dad." He says heatedly, his voice getting really low. I hate it when he happens.

"That's exactly the reason why I care about you." I snap.

His jaw is tight. His eyes is on fire, but I can see the hurt through them. I know I’ve gone too far now. His fist hits the table he’s sitting at. He gets up quickly. The look on his face is deadly.

"Fuck you, Brian!" He shouts.

Everyone is staring at him. I can see he’s worked up by the way he breathes. It’s heavy and quick. He picks up all of his things and walks away as quickly as possible. 

I look at the boys. John has a worried face as he’s looking at our friend walk away. Roger is looking at me with nothing but fury. I know I’ve fucked up badly. 

"I'll go see him." John says before walking away at his turn.

Chrissie looks at me with a sad face.

I’m an idiot.


	5. I Really Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s there when it’s harder

Freddie's POV:

I walk away as quickly as possible. I want to hate him. I want to hate him with all my heart. But I can’t . I’m still in love with him no matter what. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be in love with a straight man and in a happy relationship.

When I watched them walking to us, hand in hand, my heart felt like it had been crushed. I looked away quickly, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold all the tears. I felt sick. Sick of this, sick of everything. I wanted to leave and never look back. I wanted to scream, to yell at them to leave me alone. But I shut up and let all my feelings in. One day, there will be too much of them, I won't be able to keep them bottled up in me. One day I'll blow up.

They kissed in front of us like I wasn't feeling like shit enough. I tried to keep everything inside. I did everything to keep myself from exploding, but when Brian talked about my father, I couldn't stop anything. It was like he knew I would have enough one time or another. So he kept doing everything that could make me break. I raised my voice, hit the table with my fist and walked away. I tried to hide the fact that I couldn't take it anymore, that the lump in my throat that had been there for a long time wouldn't go away. 

"Fred!" I hear my name being called.

I ignore it, continuing my walk. I enter the empty music class on the first floor. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I stop. I turn around to see John with a small sad smile on his face. I don’t want his pity, I don’t want anyone's pity.

"Are you okay?" He asks quietly while looking in my eyes.

I keep my mouth shut and nod. He rolls his eyes. 

"That's not the answer I wanted." He answers .

I shrug and turn away to leave, but he stops me before I can. He turns me around so I’m facing him. He wraps his arms around me. He know that he'll eventually be able to get the words out of me. I squeeze him as tight as possible, enjoying the warmth of his hug.

"You can be honest with me Freddie. I'm your best friend." John whispers.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. I don’t want to cry. I’m tired of crying. It’s so exhausting. He pulls away from our hug slowly. I feel his hands cover my cheeks. I open my eyes slowly, getting used to the light. 

"You can't keep all these thoughts and feelings in here." He lightly taps my head with his finger. "It'll be too much one day. I only want you to be happy Freddie. You deserve to be and I'll do everything so you are. But if you want me to help you, you need to talk to me." 

I nod. I take a deep breath. I avoid his eyes before finally meeting them. Once I do, I curse myself as tears begin to fill my eyes. I sniffle quietly. We both sit on the floor facing each other.

"I-I" I start talking, but nothing comes out.

"Hey, don't worry, take your time. We can skip all of our classes if you want to. It's not a problem." He says laughing quietly.

I laugh too. His smile gets bigger as I do. 

"It's so hard John. It's like everything keeps piling on my shoulders. Like every day there's something more for me to worry about. I can't stop thinking." He looks at me with sweet eyes. "I can't sleep anymore. It's either those invading thoughts or just this feeling I often get. I feel empty. Like there's something missing in my life, in me" I explain.

"What sort of thought?" He asks calmly.

I wipe away a tear that threatens to fall. It's where it’s getting harder. I hate that I have to say those thoughts out loud. The thoughts that keep haunting me day after day since months.

"I sometimes think about me being in your group. I feel like-like I'm too much. I get myself thinking you would be happier without me in your life. I think about all those beautiful things that you have about yourself and I find it hard to find anything about me. I try to think about the reasons why my parents are never with me. Why they barely talk to me. I wonder if it's because they don't like me because I'm not the son they hoped to have. I think about Brian, about the fact that I'll never be able to have what I want with him. About the fact that he's now got someone that makes him happy. He'll probably spend more time with her than with us now. And then Roger and you will find somebody too eventually. And who will I have? I'll be alone all over again. Because it always ended up like that for me John. I've always ended up alone. And it's the reason why I keep having these thoughts. I want to know what I'm doing wrong, what's making people leave me. I'm tired of going back home to an empty house, day after day. I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong about me. "

My cheeks are wet and I can’t stop the tears from falling anymore. John leaves his sitting position to pull me into another hug. I hate that my cries start getting louder. I’m so embarrassed. He pulls away to look in my eyes. 

"I hate the fact that you don't see how much you mean to us. Yes, we were happy before we met you, but you made everything better. I wish you could see how beautiful you are, in and out. You're a fucking God, Fred. Everyone in this fucking school wishes to have your cheekbones or your perfectly black hair. I know you're gonna talk about your teeth, and believe it or not, I think they make you even more beautiful. They're what makes you you. You give the best advice ever. I know I'm bloody handsome, but it's not a reason to bring yourself down." He says while laughing at the last sentence.

I laugh too.

"We'll always be here for you. And if Brian doesn't realize how great you are, he'll be missing the greatest person he could ever have. You may not see it right now Fred, but you're incredible and you should never doubt it. I never had a best friend like you and I can't thank you enough for it. You make the three of us so happy." John says smiling. 

I look at him for a few seconds. I look at the smile on his face and the shine in his eyes. Nobody has ever been so kind to me. I feel lucky. Lucky to have someone as perfect as John as a friend.

"Thank you." I whisper while looking in his eyes.

He shrugs with a small smile.

"There's nothing to thank me for, Fred. That's what friends are for." 

At this exact moment, John's eyes looking in mine, my eyes looking in his, I feel happier than I ever did. I’d never be able to overcome the pain of losing him. He’s my best friend and it will never change. I love him with all my heart and I’m so grateful for everything he does for me. 

"So, what about we skip those classes?" He giggles.

I nod my head in agreement. He stands up and takes my hand to help me get on my feet. We get out of the classroom. We walk down the hallway. I notice Brian and Chrissie again. I get this sick feeling in my stomach again.

"Don't look, Freddie." John whispers to me.

We take our bags and our coats from our lockers and we run out. We both laugh as we stopped running when we’re far enough from the school. I calm my breathing. I’ve never been good at cardio at school. 

"I wanna take you somewhere!" John exclaims.

He takes my hand in his and leads the way. I have absolutely no idea of where he’s taking. I hope it’s not somewhere creepy. I would hate it. We walk a few more minutes. John and I arrive in an abandoned field. He throws his bag on the wet grass and begins running around with his arms in the air.

"We're free!" John yells.

I laugh at his silliness. The wind is making his hair fly. He tells me to join him, but I answer that I’m fine just watching him. I sit on the floor with another coat I have under my bum to not get it wet. Eventually, John gets tired of running around and comes to lay beside me. 

"You seem happier than usual Johnny. Is there a reason for that?" I ask him after a while.

He giggles a bit and looks away. There is definitely something going on.

"Come on John! I told you everything today. It's your turn now!" I say trying to convince him. 

He sighs as he puts his arms behind his head like a pillow. He closed his eyes tightly in thoughts. He looks like he’s thinking about what he wants to say. He has a small smile on his lips. He’s always so smiley, it sometimes seems surreal. 

"I've gotten myself a boyfriend." He smirks before looking at me.

I gasp and sit on my knees facing him. How come didn't I know this?!

"For how long?" I ask excitedly.

"It's been five months now. He makes me so happy." He sighs happily.

"How come didn't I know any of this?! And I'm jealous! What the fuck is this calm and peaceful coming out? I didn't even know you were gay!" I tell him quickly.

He laughs and sits up. He holds himself on his hands. He doesn’t open his eyes because of the extremely shiny sun. 

"I guess I'm too happy with my situation to actually give a fuck about other's opinion. I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters isn't it?" He smiles brightly.

I nod to show I’m agreeing with him.

"So! Who is it?" 

"I can't say it, Fred. He wants to keep it private for now. But I'll tell you when he'll want to!"

He looks at me and I cross my arms while pouting to show him I’m disappointed. He grunts at me, but I still stay still. I won’t budge until he tells me who he’s with. I hear him sigh before he opens his mouth, before closing it a few seconds after.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea that I tell you." He says quietly.

I feel quite confused.

"Just tell me! It's not like I'm going to tell everyone!" I exclaim dramatically.

I join my hands together and look at him with my most beautiful eyes. He snorts a laugh and shakes his head. He says something I can’t hear so I ask him to repeat what he’s said.

"It's Roger. My boyfriend is Roger." He says while looking down.

My breath hitches in my throat. I knew it. I knew it would end up like that one day or another. I’m the only one still alone. It would have been funny if Brian and I would have been together. We would have been the gay group of the school. But no, it will never be like that. And anyway, I'm sure that soon they’ll completely forget about me or just leave me. I'll be nothing but someone through many others.

Who will be there for me then?


	6. Wishing He Was Miles And Miles Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can it get any worse?

Freddie's POV:

The next day

After John told me his news yesterday, I stayed shocked. We both went back home and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was worried about everything. But one question stayed with me all day and all night afterwards. Who will be there for me?

I go to school still thinking about an answer for this question over and over again. I sit at our habitual table. I wait for the guys to come. For minutes and minutes. But no sign of them. They must be with their boyfriend/girlfriend. And I’m alone. It’s already so hard. 

I walk to my class. I don’t bother stopping to walk when I hear Roger calling my name. I continue walking. I groan when I feel his hand on my shoulder and he turns me around.

"What?" I spit impatiently.

"Don't tell anyone Fred." He begs.

I roll my eyes and turn around to leave. At least I expected some sort of apology for dumping me this morning. He takes me by the shoulder again.

"What?!" I exclaim more loudly than before.

"Promise me you won't be telling anyone." Roger tells me.

"I promise. Now, will you let me go?" I ask him annoyingly.

Roger pulls out an half annoyed half impatient face. 

"What's with you, Fred? You're so grumpy today." 

"What's with me? Are you serious Taylor? Can we talk about the fact I waited for all of you at the table for at least twenty minutes, and nothing. And after, I'm the one being blame for being late." I state harshly.

He looks a bit confused for a few seconds.

"We all agreed to not go this morning, since Brian needed to do something." He explains to me.

"I guess 'all' doesn't include me anymore. I haven't been told." I tell him.

I turn around to leave again and start walking away.

"My god, Fred. Why are you making this a big thing? You can calm the drama queen act for moment." He grumbles.

This time, I’m the one coming back to him.

"I'm tired of feeling left out all the fucking time." I snap. My heart squeezes in me, I’m not even saying coherent things, I just want to be happy. 

"You're never left out, Fred. Stop making this a big thing. You're making a scene now." 

I don’t listen to him nor do I look at the people staring at us. He doesn’t understand a thing. He doesn’t even cared.

While walking to my classroom, I notice some of the guys from the gang that bullies everyone causing a problem with another student. It’s not until I approached them that I realise who is being the target.

Brian?

Before I have time to react in any way, I see one of the guy's fist flying and connecting to Brian's jaw. My friend falls to the floor because of the strength of the impact. They don’t have time to do anything more as I charge directly into them.

"Who the fuck are you thinking you are?" I yell.

My own fist finds itself on them. One hit each. I never considered myself a violent person, but I’ve had enough of them. Enough of everything today. It must be the reason why I feel so angry. Everything bottles up inside, wanting to come out, like a fire slowly becoming bigger and bigger.

Both of them stumble on their feet a bit. I’m not strong enough to make them fall. And in one second, the anger vanishes, replaced by an heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. A painful feeling that won’t go anymore.

I don’t feel like hitting them anymore, but they do. And their fists hit me first as I am the closest to them. They don’t like that I’ve fought against them, that I’m not afraid of them. I don’t say anything when they hit me. I don’t cry, I don’t scream. They push me to the floor. I fall. They kick me. No one intervenes. I’m there for everyone, no one’s there for me. No one even cares about me. 

They stop hitting me and I can breathe again.

"Next time, tell the fag to not get involved." They tell Brian harshly before walking away.

I sit against the wall with difficulty. The pain of their feet and fist hitting me finally comes. I don’t hold a grunt that wants to come out of my mouth. I can feel blood trickling down my probably broken nose.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" Someone exclaims.

But it’s not for me. 

Chrissie almost throws herself on Brian, checking if he’s fine. Her lips crash onto his. My heart tightens in my chest. I get up slowly, feeling every part of my body aching. Nobody would notice I’m gone.

I find myself going to the nearest washroom. I look at myself in the mirror. There is a slightly big bruise on my right cheek bone. My nose has stopped bleeding, but there’s dried blood from my nose to my upper lip. My lip’s swollen and has a cut in the middle. No wonder no one came near me, I look horrible. Unfortunately, my front teeth are still well placed in my mouth.

I finally come to the realisation that my cheeks are wet from crying. The tears start falling down my face, making wet again the dried blood on my skin, and they won’t stop. I hate myself for being so childish. For being so selfish.

My legs don’t have enough strength anymore and I fall on the cold floor of my school. Anyone could come in at any time, they’ll think I'm a freak. Everyone already thinks I'm a freak anyway. It wouldn't make much difference.

_The fag._

I'm just a fag.

The door bursts open. I quieten the sobs coming out from my mouth. The pain in my rib kills me. I only see a bunch of curls and I know who it was. I quickly wipe away any trace that I have been crying, but it’s too late. He already saw.

He falls on his knees in front of me. I want to grab his face in both of my hands and give him the biggest kiss I have ever given someone, it wouldn’t be hard since nobody has ever wanted to kiss me. But I didn't, and I probably never will. He’ll never truly love me back.

"Are you okay, Fred?"

Brian's POV:

His swollen and red eyes. The wet marks on his cheek. The bruises that I know aren’t only on his face. I hate seeing him in this state. I don’t know the reason behind his cries, beside the fact that’s he’s been hurt again, but I know it must be bad. Freddie never cries, or at least never in front of me.

He doesn’t answer. He just stares at me with beautiful eyes. I’ve always noticed his beauty, but even with the wounds he’s wearing, he looks prettier than ever. I put both of my hands on his slightly swollen but beautiful face. 

"You didn't have to do this for me, Fred. Certainly not after what I said to you." I tell him, trying to be soothing.

"Of course I had to." He whispers.

But Freddie has this problem. He likes to help everyone, to be nice to everyone he meets. It shouldn't ever be a problem, but it is when people take advantage of it. He just ends up getting hurt in the end, with no one to make him feel better and be nice to him.

I crash my lips onto his with love. He never seems to stop amazing me with his care for others. He doesn’t pull away, only moves his lips in synchronisation with mine. They’re soft and taste like cherry. I just want to open my eyes and look at his pretty face, but I can’t.

Because it’s not happening. And I’ll never gather up enough courage to kiss him like that.

"You need to go to the infirmary. You need your wounds checked." I whisper to him.

He nods and I help him stand up on his feet. He winces in pain and I soothe him by gently rubbing his arm. He smiles weakly at me without his teeth. I wish he showed them more. I love them.

We ignore the weird stares when we walke in the hallways. Freddie keeps groaning in pain every minute. I feel bad for him. It’s my fault.

When we arrive to the infirmary, the nurse asks him about what happened. He removes his T-shirt and exposes every of the bruises on his chest. It makes my body shiver at how broken he looked in that moment. His body bruised and his contorted face from the pain. I thought I saw something else in his eyes, but I don’t quite get what. What pains me the most is to know it’s not the first time, that it’s what he dealt with for months before. 

The nurse cleans the few cuts that she finds. She puts ice on the bruises and cleans up his face a bit. He already looks better now. I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks too good to be true. I just want to hold him in my arms forever. To protect him from anything that could hurt him.

"Are you alright, darling?" He asks me.

I slightly chuckle. He’s the one hurt, yet he asks about other's state. He’s the most selfless person I’ve ever known. This is a part of Freddie's personality I love.

"I should be the one asking you that, Freddie." I say smiling.

He blushes lightly, making his cheeks a light shade of pink. He puts his shirt back on. The bell rings and we ask the nurse to sign us a paper because we'll be late. She does, and we begin going to our classroom . We have a science class. Our teacher is quite a freak, always asking us to do more than we actually can do, but when we work hard and do what she tells us to do, she’s nice to us. She also teaches us our lessons very well.

Freddie and I walk to our classroom. Before we enter it, Freddie takes my arm in his hand. I stop walking and I look at him. He opens his mouth, before closing it. The same thing as before shows in his eyes. I still can’t figure out what it is.

"You knew didn't you?" He asks me quietly.

"About what?" I answer, confused.

The voice of our teacher echoes in the background.

"About John and Roger." He whispers.

"Oh." I don’t know what to say. Of course I knew. 

He lets out a small smile, the kind of smile nobody likes. Too much of a sarcastic smile. He bites his lips before looking at me in the eyes a last time. With the same expression. And I understand now. I know what he’s hiding in his eyes. Betrayal. Pain. 

I have this feeling, this strange feeling, that I have to look as much as possible in his eyes, before it's too late. But he doesn’t let me look in his eyes enough. He looks at the floor we’re standing on, this boring gray floor.

"Okay." He says so quietly that I almost miss it.

He walks away, getting in the classroom before I can say anything, before I can explain anything. He gives the paper to our teacher, and I do too. I sit to my normal seat, but he doesn’t. He sits at the back of the room, letting his hair cover his face from the looks of our classmates. Probably hiding the emotions in his eyes too.

He takes out his notebook and pencils, already starting to draw. I hate to see him like that. So silent, so reserved and looking too sad to what is fine to be. I don’t fail to notice the water drop that falls on his drawing. I want to yell at him that I’m sorry, without caring of the others noticing anything. But I don’t , because I can’t get anything out.

So I look at the teacher without really listening to her. I don’t react or even realise when she introduces us a new boy. Probably a new classmate. I barely get his name in time, Arthur. And I have no idea of how much he'll turn upside down my whole life.


	7. So Stick Around ‘Cause We Might Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s trying to start all over again

Six days later

Brian's POV:

I watch him across the cafeteria. He’s smiling and talking to Arthur. He seems quite happy. He’s sat at their table, his head gently posed on his hands. I already hate Arthur. He’s weird, it’s too fast, he’s too kind, too perfect. I know there is more that he’s hiding. I heard some rumours that he was expelled from his last school because of something he did. I’m not sure if I can believe it, they’re rumours.

There’s an uneasy feeling in me when I watch Freddie and Arthur talking. He was new and everyone started liking him. Freddie started talking to him, he mostly stopped talking to us. I hate it, I hate that he’s drifting away from us. I can’t tell if he’s happy. It’s generally the same, Freddie is always like that, showing a bright and joyful side of himself to hide as much as possible the less happy things that happen to him or that he’s feeling. I just wish he talked to me about it, or just someone that isn’t Arthur, someone I’m sure that it’s someone I can trust.

It’s harder than I ever thought it could be. I miss having my best friend with me. He was the thing that made me come to school everyday happily. Now there’s an empty feeling in my stomach each time I’m with Chrissie, John and Roger. There’s a gap at the table when we eat together. And it’s way too significant for me to ignore it.

When I notice him getting up and saying bye to his new friend, I walk toward him. He doesn’t see me going to talk to him, so he walks right into me and jumps a bit when he noticed he has slightly pushed someone. He lifts his eyes and they widen when he sees it’s me.

"B-Brian." He says quietly, and almost nervously.

"Hey, Freddie. I was wondering hum- What's going on? You don't talk to any of us anymore." I ask him.

He looks away.

"I-I've got to go to my locker to get my things for my next class. I r-really can't talk right now." He says before walking past me quickly.

I still follow him, determined to get an answer that I will be satisfied of. I take his wrist and he turns around and looks at me. He gulps, his Adam's apple moving up and down slowly. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. He shakes his head suddenly, eyes tightly closed. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand, making them red.

"I'm sorry." He whispers.

The students walk past us and in every direction. Everything is loud around us, but I don’t put any attention on that, I just continue to look at Freddie, not believing we’ve stopped talking so quickly almost fully. His eyes get redder, but this time it’s because of the tears that I can see forming in his eyes. There still is a slightly faded bruise on his left cheekbone. It looks painful.

"I can't, Brian. I can't stay with you, John and Roger. I just can't." He says sniffling.

I know at this point it would be useless to try and convince him otherwise. I don’t even know where all this was coming from, well I know partly but I don’t know everything. Why can’t he be with us?

"Why?" I question him.

The bell rings to announce the pause is finished in five minutes. Freddie walks away and goes to his locker quickly. I go to mine, trying not to let this getting too much in my head and being a burden. It’s already too much to handle and I don’t know any of it. I just want my best friend back. 

We walk to the classroom, a few feet's apart. We sit on our seat, prepare our material for the class. I tear a small piece of paper from my mathematics notebook and I just write 'why?' on it. I sign it and then I fold it carefully. I ask the person next to me, a guy I barely know, to pass the paper all the way through the class to get to Freddie in the end. A minute later, he has the paper in his trembling hands, I notice him writing on it and my heart starts beating faster.

He gives it to the person next to him and it eventually reaches me. There is only two little sentences written, 'I can’t take it anymore. It’s has never been a good idea for me to become your friend.' I don’t know what to answer. It hurts to know that he’s thinking that way, that he isn’t needed, because he is and strongly.

I want to take his face in my hands, to shake him until he understands. I want to yell at him how important he is, how much I love him. To kiss him until he smiles and finally gets it, that I need him more than anyone in this world. But he doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t let me give him an idea of how much I love him.

Freddie’s POV:

It’s been too hard these last days. My parents have come home. Father got mad when I told him about Tom and Jerry. He slapped me when he found out about the cigarettes. He told me how much of a disgrace I am, he told me how disappointed he is in me. Mother didn’t say anything, she watched him tear me even more to pieces. 

I haven’t talked to the boys. It hurts, so so much. But I look at them at school, they don’t seem any different from when I was with them, they don’t seem to miss me. I decided to become friends with Arthur. He seems nice enough, pretty enough. Though there’s something that doesn’t seem quite right with him. And he doesn’t compare to Brian even a bit. But I need to forget Brian, he doesn’t need me. 

John lied to me, he told me I’m needed, that I make them happier than ever. For a few minutes I really believed him. I can’t believe anyone anymore. It just disappoints me when I learn that I’m not good enough, that I’m not needed. I’ve got to learn to be a grown up, like father told me. I can’t act like a baby, crying for everything that happens, even if the urge is so strong sometimes. 

Brian asked me why I stopped talking to them. I didn’t want to say the real reason, to confess how much I love him, how much it hurts. I didn’t want to tell him that I’ve just been a burden. He knows it, but it’s too hurtful to say. 

Tom and Jerry still haven’t come home. The neighbour hasn’t found them either. I see him when I come back from school, he just smiles at me sadly and shrugs. I don’t think they’re coming back home. I’ll be alone next time my parents leave. I don’t know how I’ll be able to do it. The house is too big, too empty. The boys won’t be there to spend time with me. They won’t be ever again. 

I pass the time at night, moments that would normally be spent with the boys, I listen to records that I would never listen to normally. I like opera a lot now. Father yelled at me when I put the music too loudly the other day. I don’t think he wants me happy in any way. I don’t think he wants me. 

Arthur hasn’t invited me to his house yet. I did, he came to do some homework. Normally Brian would be the one coming over. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Arthur seemed off when he came. He kept looking everywhere as if he needed to know every part of the house. I asked him why he kept doing that, he didn’t say, he just answered me to not worry. 

I caught him looking at me in class a few times. I hope he knows I just want a friend. If we ever got into a relationship, it wouldn’t last, not with me. He’d get tired of me too easily. 

I often go to the art class at lunch, because it’s quiet and there’s no one to bother me. Arthur goes to some club, I think it was a sport one. I can’t remember. Making art passes the time, it makes the lunch time a bit less lonely. At least there I can’t see Brian and Chrissie. They really look happy. They look in love. 

My grades already aren’t as good, Brian’s not there to explain to me the homework, he’s not there to help me study before exams. Arthur isn’t as good as him. 

I miss the boys. 

I miss having people to talk to. I miss laughing with them. Even if there were moments I felt as if I shouldn’t be there, even if sometimes it was harder, they were there. They were there for the funny moments, they were there for the harder ones. I miss hugging Brian, I miss walking to classes with him, I miss blowing him kisses, I miss him blowing kisses back. 

I’ll never find as good friends as them. But I think it’s better like that, I think I made the right decision as much as it hurts. I’m too self destructive, it would have ruined everything anyway. 

After school, Arthur and I decide to come back to my house. I want to show him some new records I got. I hope he’ll like them. There’s the brand new album of Led Zeppelin. I waited to open it to listen to it with someone else. When I bought it, I hoped it would be with Brian. But it’ll have to be Arthur. It doesn’t matter. 

I look in Brian’s eyes for a second when I get out of the classroom. I’ve always been able to read in his eyes, I can’t anymore, not since I stopped looking into them during lunch. I walk out, Arthur not far away from me. 

We take our books and bags, walking out as quickly as possible of this hell hole. I used to love school. I used to like waking up Mondays, being finally able to see my friends again, even if I saw them all weekend long. I used to smile, thinking about those night of truth or dare and beers, those nights of fooling around, going to clubs with our false identity cards. Now when I think of them, it fills me with dread. They’re nights that won’t happen again, nights that I didn’t enjoy enough, that I let pass and go as if they would happen forever. 

We walk to my house, the neighbour is there again. He smiles at me and it makes my heart a bit lighter. 

“Don’t you think he’s weird? He’s always outside when we go to your house…” Arthur whispers in my ear. 

“Yeah, he’s weird.” I whisper back, trying to avoid any disagreements. 

We enter my house, he leaves his things on the couch, wetting it because of the rain outside. It didn't bother me before, it does now. We go to my room and sit on the floor. I take the record, remove the plastic before putting it on my record player. 

The music finally fills the room and fills me with a peace I haven’t felt in days. I turn my head to see if Arthur is liking it so far. But he’s sat on the floor, just like me, not seeming to care even a bit. 

Brian would have liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked this chapter! If you did, don’t hesitate to leave kudos and I’d love to hear it in the comments!


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